‘Love does not die with demise’: How 4 years of conflict have reshaped relationships in Ukraine | EUROtoday

How to like amid the uncertainty of conflict? It takes many varieties in Maryna Kumeda’s e book, “Love in Wartime”. From Izium and Kharkiv to Kyiv, Sloviansk, and Lviv, she traveled throughout Ukraine to satisfy folks and doc how they love in these peculiar instances.

Kumeda, 41, noticed many sorts of affection: There was the love of Ukrainians for his or her homeland, the fraternity and sorority amongst troopers combating in identical unit, the love of moms who be a part of defence teams towards Russian drones so their kids by no means should take up arms sooner or later to defend their nation themselves. Kumeda, who was born in Sumy, determined to affix the Ukrainian military herself after writing the e book.

There have been additionally many divorces and separations. A basic development means that after a “boom” in marriages linked to the start of the full-scale conflict in 2022, the variety of marriages decreased yearly in comparison with the earlier 12 months.

“War accentuates all of the cracks: if the ties are strong, it doesn’t destroy them, but when there may be already a crack, it widens,” stated Ania, one of many folks interviewed within the e book. The conflict has additionally accelerated choices, and marriages have taken place spontaneously within the house of two hours – the time of go away of absence given to troopers.

On the fourth anniversary of Russia’s full-scale invasion of Ukraine, FRANCE 24 spoke to Kumeda in regards to the alternative ways love manifests itself throughout conflict, and its capability to transcend borders and even demise.

Is there a elementary distinction between love “before the war” and love “after the war”?

I wasn’t in Ukraine when Russia launched its full-scale invasion on February 24, 2022. I had been residing overseas (in France) for 17 years, so I didn’t know what the practices have been in love “before the war”. It was solely after I returned to Ukraine in January 2024 that I beginning relationship different Ukrainians and speaking to them about love and relationships.

People in fact evoke modifications within the depth of their relationships. The most vital consequence of the conflict is that’s takes away the long run. It’s not possible to make plans throughout the conflict and this has a big impact on the best way folks make choices.

The conflict seems to have provoked many divorces due to extended stress, financial difficulties and the affect of conflict on the couple’s life. The conflict additionally appears to have strengthened present bonds and catalysed new relationships. What is your take?

It can go in each instructions. There was a fall within the variety of births with so many individuals leaving overseas. Cracks started to appear in sure relationships. One social gathering says, “this marriage doesn’t reply to my expectations”, and it ends in divorce.

Yet relationships are additionally cast sooner, particularly amongst troopers. We hurry so we are able to reside. It’s organic, with the hormones and the stress. You may need sooner or later out of three months to spend in Kyiv. So you rush to see an exhibition, go to the flicks … and a few folks get married.

Sacha and Victoria are a pair who I wrote about in my e book. They met in Izium in November 2024, the place Sacha was stationed with the III assault brigade. By September 2025, Sacha was despatched again to the entrance and disappeared. Victoria hasn’t had any information from him for six months. She believes he’s alive and free however he could possibly be lifeless or in captivity.

You have additionally investigated the solitude and the sexuality of troopers. What did you study?

They get to the important a lot faster. When you’re a soldier, you might be disadvantaged of normality, like having a bathe or getting tenderness. So you might be frank about your wants. I met a person on-line whose spouse lived in Poland. He was searching for experiences: an exhibition, a live performance or a dialogue in a bar. We talked about our lives. I informed him I used to be searching for romantic conferences, whereas he needed firm for all of the actions he used to interact in throughout his previous civilian life.

Andrii, a drone pilot who you met in Sloviansk, informed you: “The army takes up the biggest part of yourself, and the small percentage that you can share with another person is most likely not enough for something profound.” What does the widening hole between troopers and civilian spell out for the way forward for relationships in Ukraine?

Part of the household tradition in Ukraine means defending family members from the tough actuality. A person will say, “I can’t inform my spouse what I’m going by. She doesn’t wish to know this.” People will either lie or avoid telling their loved ones the truth. Men who don’t tell their wives they are on the front lines believe that no one could ever understand, except for his comrades.

Ania is someone who fought to stay happy in her relationship with Tocha, a soldier. I would ask her, “Why don’t you ask him questions?” and she would say, “What for? He would tell a few stories and it was already enough. The combats, the cadavers, the bombings.”

This difference in emotional experience is becoming problematic among couples. Today there are manuals and video conferences on how to talk to members of the armed forces: the experiences between them and civilians are so opposed that it’s easy to say something wrong or hurtful. When a soldier leaves on a mission for example, people often tell them, “maintain your self”. Yet as a soldier, I’m not there to preserve myself. I’m there to complete a mission. I prefer to say, “be robust”.

Love transcends borders, as demonstrated by the romance between Lisa (a Russian citizen) and Slava (a Ukrainian). Why did you selected to incorporate their story?

Seen from France, their story could possibly be misinterpreted as one in all a bridge between a Russian and a Ukrainian. Yet as Slava says, Lisa is extra of a (Ukrainian) patriot than him. They went by many administrative obstacles, particularly due to Lisa’s passport. The couple just lately introduced to me that they’re anticipating a toddler. I used their story for instance hope and never simply tragedy.

The love of Ukrainians for animals saved from destroyed zones is exceptional. What accounts for this robust attachment for errant canine and cats?

Animals are a supply of tenderness. Consider the phrases of Oleksandr: “If you think an adult man doesn’t need to have his head caressed for half an hour in silence, you are wrong.” Animals assist fill this hole. During my army coaching, we’ve been spending a sure period of time with cats. Everyone wants their dose of oxytocin [a hormone essential for emotional bonding in humans]

Dogs will be harmful on the entrance traces as a result of they will reveal the presence of troopers. Yet cats are being adopted in fight zones. There are additionally many tales of men and women who don’t wish to go away their properties close to battle traces as a result of it might imply leaving their animals behind.

Love in wartime can take shocking varieties, even transcending demise. One lady spoke to you about her expertise with posthumous replica. How did Marta’s story match into your e book’s total theme of affection?

I used to be engaged on a report about posthumous medically assisted procreation (MAP) in Ukraine. I despatched out a message to a gaggle on WhatsApp of wives of troopers who had died in battle. Marta not solely accepted to talk to me, however stated it might be a manner for her to consider tips on how to clarify to her daughter the situations round her beginning.

Marta wouldn’t cease speaking about love. She would say: “I did this out of love, even if I was scared. He badly wanted a child and we wouldn’t have had the embryos without all his efforts.” She confirmed me movies of her husband on her cellphone. Her daughter clearly has the identical eyes as him. This is a narrative of posthumous MAP but it surely’s a love story all the identical. Love doesn’t die with demise.