These household rituals that strengthen hyperlinks between mother and father and youngsters | EUROtoday

” L‘Idea came to us following confinement, remembers Laure, mother of three children aged 13, 10 and 8 years old. As a “precedence career”, I was often out of the house and my husband took care of children. We were perpetually out of step and we realized that we could quickly become like roommates who live under the same roof without ever sharing anything. »»

From then on, completely different rituals are set as much as protect household occasions: “Every Sunday evening, for example, we find ourselves in the living room at 6 pm and, together, we define what we are going to do; Watch a movie, play a board game, etc., says Laure. We also have a monthly meeting: a Friday evening that we hold in our agenda and which is devoted to an aperitif with the family where everyone puts their hands in the dough. A quarterly meeting too: a privileged time dedicated to each of our children, alone with us. It can be a restaurant, a cinema, a sporting activity, it’s up to them to decide. So many ritualized moments, which, despite a hyper -worked daily life, allow the family to take shape …

A way to create “we”

“We must distinguish the ritual from a habit,” specifies the psychiatrist and family therapist Robert Neuburger*. The habit has no particular value. On the contrary, the ritual is defined by its function, that of strengthening the feeling of belonging to a group. In the same way as family myths (“We are a family of adventurers, intellectuals, workers, etc.”), the rituals that we put in place contribute to constructing an identification. »»

An exercise all of the extra essential since our feeling of current is essentially based mostly on the reference to others … “Beyond the rituals which we inherit, I find it interesting to say that there are rituals which belong to us and who personalize our family, notes Camille, mother of five children of 13, 12, 10, 8 and 5 years. For eight years now, we have undertaken to cross France by walking every summer, with the family, on the paths of Saint-Jacques-de-Compostela. Children are extremely attached to it; They completely appropriated this “vacation place” and for them, it would be unthinkable today that it is not part of their summer. »»

A reinforced parent-child relationship

Sometimes then, the ritual is also an opportunity to transmit a passion, to arouse the taste for nature, sport, culture … “With us, each evening, we hearken to music by way of a Spotify with out promoting account and we’ve got entry to titles of all occasions, says Pauline, mom of a 6 12 months previous woman. The concept is to offer my daughter entry to a cultural heritage that goes past generational borders.

It can also be a strategy to develop your musical sense. Today, I see that she is simply singing, that she has a way of rhythm and that she is experiencing a repertoire of very various songs. A convention that has one other benefit: that of making complicity and welding hyperlinks. “When we ritualize a moment, we highlight the importance of the time spent together,” notes Gabrielle, instructor and editor for the parenting help affiliation “the parents’ network”, herself a mom of 4 kids aged 13 to twenty. “Children keep in mind one thing about it: when you may have an appointment with somebody, it’s important to know the way to be totally current, totally accessible. »»

Keys for all times in society

However, if many households nonetheless undertake this conduct, observers additionally word a reasonably robust tendency to show away from it. “I see a lot of parents who find the idea of ​​the pesting ritual, arguing that the most free children must be left,” regrets Robert Neuburger. But this freedom is a fantasy, as a result of by dint of leaving them free, we find yourself not now not transmitting any worth to them, comparable to mutual support, confidence, solidarity. The rituals would then be a great framework to remind everybody that he’s a part of a collective, and that on this capability, he should exhibit a minimal of involvement …

“Among the rituals that I” prescribe “to parents – whether they raise their child alone or are still in a relationship – there is the idea of ​​establishing a family reunion, every two weeks for example, led by one of its members. On this occasion, everyone says their difficulties within the family, possible conflicts, but also offers to do something for the community, it can be a household or other task. What to help everyone, depending on their age and capacity, find their place in the group and develop their social skills …

Stability that reassures

What does it matter, then, if the rituals evolve, transform or disappear. Because growing up, children will necessarily make the “sorting” of what they keep and what they dismiss. “A toddler doesn’t essentially acceptable the rituals which are transmitted to him,” emphasizes the psychiatrist Robert Neuburger. But at least he can choose and create from what he has been given! »»

To uncover



The kangaroo of the day

Answer

At Gabrielle, the 2 elders, who left the house to proceed their research, start to “retract the rituals in their own way, she says, with their personality who asserts himself, and by comparing with what is happening with their friends”. However, the mom observes it: “They remain very attached to certain meetings and when they join us at home, this is what they come to seek-the Saturday evening of the Saturday, the shared meal of Sunday or the preparation of the tiramisu with speculoos which has become an institution …-, there is a stability that secures and reassures them. »»

*Author of “Family Rituals”, ed. Payot & Rivages, 2016 and “exist, essentially the most intimate and fragile of emotions”, ed. Payot & Rivages, 2014.